It's okay even if I have to wait long, as long as I'll be able to have your heart in the end... ~ Florence Joyce
xxxxxx
1/1
The truth is, I just received this handmade five-year journal from Miyo last Christmas. She helped me finally get to journaling aside from writing letters to "him" for a long time now. So here I am. Hi, my name is Nichijo Miori. And I know Miyo only thinks of my welfare. That's why I'm writing here now. I'm glad this is a handmade one and not the one I'd usually see being sold online. I guess she figured I won't be able to contain the thoughts I have in those short spaces. This handmade journal has more writing space to write with and I'm glad.
===
April 3
Dear Sunrise,
Should I call it a good day today? Because honestly speaking, I don't feel it like that at all. I really couldn't understand why I felt it as such. Not that I care, though. Wait... what am I saying? Of course, I care. That's why it's frustrating the hell out of me. Do you want to know why I'm frustrated right now? Maybe it was easy for the others to mention a situation similar to mine to other people.
And yet for some reason, there's no one I could confide in about this problem I have. Even though I'm trying to write about it now to you, it's still a taxing thing to blurt this out to you this way. There's something that has been keeping me up all night because of anxiety and... perhaps, even fear. It's scaring me if you want to know the truth.
But you know I shouldn't let that show on my face. Not now that my cousin's wedding is coming up. I don't want her to get affected by my problem. I don't want her to worry about me, especially on the most important day of her life. She's happy now. It would be too much if, because of my problem, that happiness would be ruined. I've never seen Miyo this happy before and I don't want to destroy that.
On a side note related to that, I wonder if fate would do something about the one that I've been asking for quite a while now. It might be something you'd cringe at, now that I think about it. I mean, how many years have I been wishing for that, to be honest? But then... why not? So... do you think we'd be able to meet at the wedding?
Impossible, I guess. But who knows? And if we do ever meet, do you think we'd be able to recognize each other? My wishes are getting weirder and weirder, huh? But then I guess you won't be able to know that. You haven't arrived in my life yet. And I don't even know if you'd truly come to my life to change it. But who am I to wish for a story similar to that of my cousin who's experiencing such happiness right now? My wishes keep getting weirder and weirder, huh?
Here I go with the questions once again. They keep piling up, you know, though I haven't been able to find answers to all of them. Forgive me for writing all these. I mean, I've always thought that--in one way or another--we would possibly meet. I don't know how and I don't know when. But one thing I do know is this.
In my heart, there was this little voice saying that I'll know that it was going to be you. There was a saying, "follow your heart wherever it leads you", right? If you're someone from my past or just someone I happened to meet a long time ago but never really bothered, only my heart could tell that to me.
I'm starting to become all dramatic here again. Sorry for that. Then again, I think you're already used to it, right?
Still waiting,
Miori
===
4/5
It was a crazy thing to think about, you know. That someone would answer these letters I've been writing all this time. But a part of me couldn't help it. I can't stop myself from doing it. At least, I just need to do so. It would make me a bad person if I say it this way, but I can't seem to trust anyone with my worries. With my weakness. I don't want them to see me as someone weak. I've always been strong for them. Can't I stay that way? Can't my heart stay that way?
===
April 8
Dear Sunrise,
It was like this. It was supposed to be a peaceful day for me ever since that talk I had with Miyo. I'm sure I once mentioned to you that she's my cousin. The most beautiful one I have, by the way. Anyway, she did come to our house all of a sudden, with no prior notice to me or even my parents.
Oh, did I mention that she came to our house just a few minutes after writing that last letter to you? Funny, though. She acted as if we haven't seen each other for a long time with the way she hugged me tight that day. It's like she didn't even want to let me go with the way she did that. I was happy, of course. And felt relieving, too, for some reason. It's quite true that we didn't see each other for a long while, only because she had her own set of troubles during those times. Not to mention that it was about her future groom, Yuuya-kun.
But it didn't happen. At least about me thinking peacefully after that talk. I haven't had any peaceful thinking for quite a long time. The reason? I just didn't feel it like that at all. I only mentioned to Miyo about all that was troubling me over the past weeks that even my parents didn't know. I couldn't tell them what was wrong. So I let it all out to my cousin who listened to my complaints and fears. It's a good thing she listened to me. And yet it still didn't dissipate my fears enough as I wished it would. Something felt... missing. And all this time, I kept on wondering why it felt that way.
I'm scared. I have to admit that at least to myself. But how come I couldn't even say it to my parents? They would listen to me, I'm sure of it. They'd be willing to help me and I know it. And yet look what I'm doing. I'm acting like a cornered rat who couldn't think of what to do next to escape and get out alive. But you can't blame me. I can't give any more worries to them than what I've been giving to them right now just by becoming a hermit in my own house. It sucks, I know. And I had a feeling that you would say the same thing if ever we do meet and know all this.
Even still, I'm writing this to you. I'm truly sorry for being a whiner like this. But at least you wouldn't know this. If you'd come to realize the possible danger because of the problem I'm dealing with a certain stalker that's been plaguing my mind for a while now, would it be too much of me to ask you to come and save me?
Here I go again, asking for too much. I'm sorry. But you know, I'm still here. I'm still asking for a miracle. And my heart knows, you're the only one who can show that miracle to me. One way or another, I can tell that you'd be able to do so.
Still waiting,
Miori
===
4/12
Now they knew. Even my cousin knew what worries me. At times, I kept thinking if I did the right thing. But Miyo could always tell. As she would sometimes say, we're sisters from another mother. It's funny to hear her say those things, you know. But I'm glad I got to tell her what worries me. I don't have to worry -- at least for now. I can tell her my fears. I can write the letters meant for "him" and still believe that things are going to be okay for me. I'm safe. I just have to believe that.
===
4/19
I can't get out of the house. My fear is getting into my nerves again. But this can't last and I know that. Not to mention, Miyo's wedding to Yuuya-kun is coming up. I don't want to disappoint my cousin by not attending that just because of my fear that someone outside would grab me all of a sudden and take me away. I wish he was here. I kept telling that to my mind, even though I've been saying the same thing for five years now. I wonder how he is. I'd love to see him once again, if possible.
===
4/27
It's almost the day of the wedding. And here I am, still feeling restless. More so for myself. But I'd rather not worry Miyo anymore. I don't want to be a burden to her. I already promised her that I'd be there at her wedding and if luck is on my side, I might catch her bouquet. But maybe I'm hoping for too much. Perhaps if I do want to get married, I had done so a long time ago, even before Miyo had her chance. She did mention that Yuuya-kun's friend is single and he would be attending the wedding, as well. I have a feeling she intends to be a matchmaker for me and whoever that guy is. Sadly, I didn't get to ask the name of that person. Not that I have plans to know at this point, anyway.
No comments:
Post a Comment