If I can follow the trail of tears to return to the past, I will surely meet you who is waiting for me... ~ Trail of Tears, Wheesung
xxxxxx
It was a scary feeling, to be honest. Or at least for Choji, he actually felt that way ever since learning the truth and what really happened two years ago. Up until that moment, he still couldn't believe what he learned from his lawyer friend. And now, he also learned from the shop owner that "she" still goes back to this place from time to time. No definite day, but she would definitely stay in that place for more than an hour.
As for what she was doing there, he had no idea. It seemed that no one does.
He took a deep breath and not long after, found himself turning the door knob of that room. It was a little dark, but there was still sunlight coming through the curtains. So he was able to see around. Even with that, he decided to look for light switch just so he could see things around clearly.
His eyes started to blur as tears tried to fall down at the sight that greeted him. Opening the lights was a good idea, but he was unprepared for the onslaught of emotions upon seeing the state of that room.
"It's just as I left it..." Only it's sadder than it looks... Weird of him to think of an empty room as sad.
But perhaps he knew why he thought of it that way.
You're not here, that's why. Two years had passed and the words he said to her for the last time back then was, no doubt, too much for her to remain living in this house. But a part of him couldn't help but to wish that she never left.
And yet he knew that it was an impossible wish. She did push him away, so there was no reason for her to stay there.
Even with that knowledge, how come he was learning something different about her actions two years ago? What really happened?
Choji opened the curtains even with the lights on in that room. There were still the books the two of them bought while they stayed there, placed on a small bookshelf beside the study table she'd always use whenever she was writing in her journal. They were placed on the right corner, just near the window in which he drew the curtains open. No plant was placed beside the study table, unlike before. Just an empty spot.
He couldn't help frowning at the sight of that. With a sigh, he approached it and bent down a little as soon as he saw a folded paper inside. He couldn't have paid attention to it if he could tell that there wasn't any significance at all.
But it wasn't the case.
The folded paper had his name written on it -- in her handwriting. Almost immediately, he picked it up and unfolded it rather fumblingly. He was nervous, no doubt about that. But he must do his best to calm himself.
Though his heart pounded loudly in his chest as he finally opened it, his frown deepened upon reading the short but rather impactful content of that paper.
'I still miss you and I'm sorry I lied. I just have to.'
"What does she mean by that?"
No other words were written after that. And yet it only confused him even more than ever. She lied? About what?
Once Choji gathered his scattered thoughts and senses back, he folded the paper -- slowly, this time, as if his hands refused to function. He looked around the room, with his sight lingering on the bed that only had light blue pillows and bed sheets. He recalled the night the two of them would just sleep there or lie down and do nothing but talk about the future the loved to share together.
A future that would never happen again.
Choji shut his eyes tight, just so he could stop the tears from falling. It had been a while since he last cried. And yet at the thought of her, those tears started showing up and now were threatening to fall.
Upon opening his eyes, he saw the only closet in that room, still standing. Quite proud, he must say, as if telling him that it had done its job well. A sudden thought struck him as he discerned that. Without a second thought, he approached the closet and opened it. It was basically empty in terms of any clothing article. But that wasn't what perplexed him the moment he opened the closet door.
It was the pile of envelopes that Choji was sure to be filled with letters and a single A4 size notebook that looked almost 400 pages worth of paper in it. He recalled this notebook as the one that she'd usually write on every night. She did mention that it was a journal that her cousin had made for her a long time ago, just so she'd have an outlet of her negative emotions.
From what he could recall, it was a five year journal. But why would she leave it here?
Did you fill this all up? Is that why you left it hidden here?
As he took a deep breath once again, he picked up the journal and had a look at the cover. He frowned as he saw a note placed on it -- in her handwriting once again.
'You became curious, aren't you? That's why you picked this up. It's okay. I intended you to read it, anyway. That way, you'd be able to know what I've always felt. The letters I write were just detailed ones. Even still, feel free to read them. They were meant for you, anyway.
'By the way, I left the first year open first because I want you to read them in order. And when you reached reading the last day of the year, you can open the entries I covered on the next year and the year after that, until you reach the fifth year. I know I pushed you away a long time ago, but it doesn't changed the fact that I created a lie just to make sure you'd live the life that you should be living before we met. Even if I say I'm sorry for what I've done, it will never change the fact that I hurt you so much.
'Maybe my completely filled five year journal will heal that for me. I won't be able to see you again, even if I want to. But I'd like to let you know that nothing had changed, ever since our paths had crossed 10 years ago.'
"What in the world are you talking about?" Honestly speaking, reading that note had only made him even more confused that he was a while back.
But perhaps this journal would provide the answer. Whether or not it would hold the answer he needed, it remained to be seen.
Taking a deep breath to calm his fast beating heart, regardless of the fact that his fingers were quivering, he willed himself to finally open the journal and read the pages containing five years worth of his beloved's thoughts...
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WRITER'S NOTE: So finally, I got to post this, even though I haven't exactly finished writing this. This story is something I ended up thinking of writing in script format, but never really get to do so. And also something that was inspired by my love for the Chase/Kasumi crossover pairing.
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