The farewell letter he left behind explained everything she never wanted to know.
But even with that, Hammie couldn’t understand why she still kept that letter. It broke her heart over and over every time she would read it. And yet her heart would still linger even to that pain just to tell herself that everything that had happened between her and that man was real.
In their case, however, it was an event in her life that never stayed real for long. Perhaps both of them didn’t do anything to solidify that once formed between them.
Once again, she sighed ever so raggedly. Damn it… Her tears were about to fall again. How many times does this have to happen, anyway? When would she learn to let it all go?
“I can’t stay like this…” Hammie murmured as she placed her forehead on the drawer where she placed the letter she read for who knows how many times already. “Why am I still hoping for you to come back?”
It was a question that she knew very well would never be answered no matter how many times she asked it.
As she would dwell on her sorrow once more, her last memory of the guy who left her that letter started rushing in her mind once again. Even though she didn’t want to, even when she wanted those memories to stop assaulting her mind, nothing seemed to work to make that happen.
“Banjou-san…” Hammie whispered, her tone painful and full of sorrow. “Can I really forget you?”
xxxxxx
The next day, Hammie woke up with eyes feeling puffy and tired. But she knew that it was her fault. She cried for who knows how long again. At this point, she was used to it. She wanted to get used to the pain of remembering those words, anyway.
She wanted to keep him alive in her heart, most of all. It was the only miracle that she could make come true so that she wouldn’t forget him. Even when she knew that the world already did, she kept fighting to make everything about that man alive in her mind.
No one knew what happened, anyway. No one was aware how she lost the man she came to love this much. The people around him knew she lost him at some point. But no one was informed of the reason why she lost that man.
Only Hammie was aware. Only she could remember clearly.
“If only I could just let your blood remain with me after that…” she whispered as she hugged the only jacket belonging to Banjou. She found it neatly folded in her closet, which surprised her, at first.
It was also where she found the last letter that Banjou wrote for her before he headed out to that battle that took his life and nearly claimed hers, as well. He fought hard, and made sure that she would stay alive even after all that.
But in her perception…
“You’re unfair!” she nearly screamed in gritted teeth. She bit her lip to prevent herself from wailing once again. “How can you even say that I need to do my best to continue living? You’re not even here with me to help me make that happen. You know that, right?”
Hammie knew that no one would be able to hear her — let alone fulfill her wish of seeing Banjou again. And perhaps, it was the reason why it felt so hard for her to truly move on after the tragedy. Yes, they won that deadly fight. But they achieved that victory because of a greater price than they had anticipated.
As for her, she knew the cost of that victory was a part of her life.
A life that she could never get back no matter how much she grieved.
As Hammie continued to hug the jacket, she soon frowned upon hearing something from inside of it that seemed like… plastic. She soon held the item in front of her and immediately noticed another inside pocket sewn at the back of the jacket.
“That’s weird… Since when was there an inner pocket in this jacket, anyway?” Or could it be that… something else was placed in the jacket other than the letter she initially found on the outer pocket?
Without wasting any more time, she searched the inner back pocket for anything. Her frown deepened at the sight of a folded paper placed inside a taped plastic. She took it with shaking hands and looked at it for a little while.
“What is this…?” Hammie asked herself, her frown remained.
They looked like… letters. More letters. At least, if she was going to base it on the bleed through of the pen used on the paper. From there, she could see Banjou’s handwriting. Her heart hammered inside her chest like crazy once again at the realization.
Could this be another set of letters for her?
Hammie took a deep breath for a while before taking the plastic off and removing the papers in it. Her hands were shaking as she carefully unfolded the papers. Her eyes soon blurred with more tears at the sight of Banjou’s handwriting on it.
The first thing she saw… was her name in his handwriting.
******
To my Hammie,
I’m probably gone when you’re reading this. I know that apologies won’t cut it, but it doesn’t matter. I have a lot to say to you. But I know I can’t do it personally anymore. I can’t let them win by destroying everything and everyone I care about.
I can’t let them know about you, as well. They can’t know about you and I also didn’t let you know about them. For me, that’s safer. At least I can protect you that way.
I’m sorry… if I kept forgetting to tell you how much you mean to me. I’m sorry if I’m being a jerk most of the time. I’m sorry if I couldn’t help teasing you and making you cry on a few occasions.
But I want you to know this.
I always think about you. I always worry about you. I always love seeing your smile and feeling happy whenever we’re together. I love hugging you tight because it’s my assurance that you’re alive and safe. That you’re with me and everything about us was real.
The last letter I left for you could hurt you so much once you read it. I won’t be surprised if you end up hating me for it. But I hope that these letters I left after that cursed goodbye letter would help you live your life again without me. Let these letters remind you that there was more to life than despair and loss. Allow these letters to be a reminder for you of how much I love you.
No matter how much I would hate my fate, I can’t let it destroy you, as well. When I’m gone, at least I know I can watch over you. You never lost me, okay? You still have me. I never left you.
Let this be enough for you to live this life, knowing I protected you and everything around us with my life. You have to live and continue living for your sake, okay? Never let the negative things destroy you.
I’m here. I’ll always be here with you. Never forget that, okay?
Yours forever,
Banjou Ryuuga
******
Hammie couldn’t help bursting out a short laugh upon seeing that Banjou actually wrote his full name on that letter. But unlike the time she read his last letter saying goodbye to her, this letter she just finished reading made her heart feel light, for some reason.
It was amazing, to be honest.
This one letter answered a lot of her questions about where she actually stood in their relationship before he died. He said he loved her and that he would always and forever be hers. Even now that he was gone, he said that he would be there with her.
Frankly, she felt them. She knew he did love him. But there were things that made her uncertain about his real intentions to her. She didn’t realize that only Banjou’s death became a way for her to realize everything about that guy.
At least, she was able to tell him before he died — about how much she loved him, as well. She could only hope he carried that with him even when he died that day.
xxxxxx
New one-shot here, everyone! Thank you for reading up to this point. I really appreciate it. Let’s see if I’d be consistent with this pace in writing.
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