Hoping you would allow me to love you. I'm still be waiting and hoping... ~From the Filipino song "Bakit Ba Ikaw? (How Come It's You?)" by Michael Pangilinan
xxxxxx
If Hammie could just take a step back and perhaps start things all over again between them, she would've done that already. But for her, she knew that it was too late. It was crazy that none of the people around her had ever thought that she was hurting it.
Or was it because she was good at hiding it? Was she that good of keeping everything in her that... she was able to bear the pain even through all that chaos that had happened in her life lately?
Maybe. But perhaps Hammie was just talented at pushing everything away when needed, especially if it was about her own pain. Then again, it was a crazy thing for her to do, even if it was meant to stop the people she cared about from worrying too much for her sake.
"Hammie!"
That shout snapped her out of her musing and turned to the direction of that voice. Her eyes widened at the sight of the very man she was trying to avoid for a while now. But not for the reason that she hated him or anything.
'I just... don't know how to face you again after all this...' she thought and was ready to dash away from there.
But Lucky caught up with her before she knew it. The next thing she realized, he held her wrist tight, as if knowing that holding her a little lose would mean her running away from him. She didn't try to pull away, though. Maybe she couldn't. Even if it was the last thing she wanted to do right now.
His eyes looked down to hers and there wasn't any anger nor disappointment on his features -- well, except on his lips which formed into an unreadable frown. His brows furrowed when she remained silent and was just looking at her.
"So you're not going to say anything?" Lucky asked, breaking the tensed silence between them. "I'm supposed to be your friend, Hammie. You can rely on me to know your problems and help you solve them. So why are you running away from me?"
He waited, but she made no effort to answer him or even move closer to him. He let go of her hand and she stepped back a few steps.
She shrugged, not wanting to talk about it anymore. Or did she really have nothing to tell him anyway?
"I can't stand seeing you hurt," Lucky continued, his tone heartbreaking.
He truly sounded so sad, and it was the first time she heard him like that. It tore her heart in two. How could it hurt so much to see someone like him so unhappy? It wasn't fair, she thought, but then, most of what had happened so far hadn't been fair.
Hammie couldn't believe she was thinking this, considering how much he' s done for her, but she wondered if they'd been friends for this long only to turn around like strangers after this mess.
Maybe their friendship wouldn't survive all that they were going through. Maybe they'd be enemies again. She wished there were some way they could still be friends. But the truth was that no matter what, she couldn't lie to herself that she still wanted to remain as his friend.
Not when her feelings was already too much to contain any longer. It was killing her inside that he seemed oblivious to her pain.
Maybe she shouldn't have come here, though, since it had already caused such turmoil. And she definitely should've gone home instead.
"Well, I better get going," she finally said, trying to sound lighthearted so that he wouldn't get worried.
"I thought I told you that we're going to talk. And I'm not going to let you go until you tell me what's really wrong," Lucky stated, his tone now unreadable that made her frown.
"It's my problem. Nothing is wrong with it," she argued, crossing her arms and hoping he would understand that.
Instead, Lucky shook his head, "You know, sometimes you can be really stubborn, Hammie."
Wasn't this guy always stubborn? He didn't need to remind her.
"But you know I'm more stubborn than you are. So you better spill it out before I find other measures to let you talk."
Was he angry at her for avoiding him? Did he blame her for all that had happened, or maybe even feel betrayed by her?
But no, those weren't his emotions shining in his bright eyes. No, it seemed as if he was feeling something else entirely. Something... sad.
"Fine," Hammie conceded with a sigh and leaned on a tree trunk without looking at Lucky.
Lucky remained in his spot, eyes on her that made her uncomfortable. But she fought it down and just stared at the ground.
"I just want to get away from here. From you. From everyone..." Hammie started. "This has never happened to me before and it feels... wrong. It feels like... Like someone broke me apart and put me back together in a different shape and place," she explained, her breath shaky.
The words left her mouth before she could stop herself.
She sighed once more, but it was ragged this time. And she knew that anymore of this would make her break down and cry in front of Lucky.
She didn't want to do that in front of him. Not after all these years.
No matter how much she wanted to run away from him, and every possible scenario in her mind where she ran into him. It was all too much, and too real... and yet it felt so unreal that she couldn't think straight enough to figure it all out.
And that scared her even more.
"Why do you have to run away from me... when I can tell that you... love me?"
Hammie's eyed widened as soon as those words came out of Lucky's lips. Did he just...? That couldn't possibly be true. Could it? He loved her? How could he possibly love her when she refused to show her feelings towards him at all? Because even if she didn't want to admit it, she did. She loved him, even more than she thought possible.
And she feared that it would probably never end even as she did successfully run away from him or from the town. She could never escape him. That was the reality. She couldn't get away from the way he affected her, how he affected her feelings... How he was everything to her... how badly he could hurt her and how much she loved every single one of those feelings....
What kind of a person would love and respect their best friend so much?
"I'm not going to let you get away, Hammie. I've made that mistake years ago and I've regretted it so much. And now I'm here to change that," Lucky declared that made her heart pound so loud, Hammie thought it resonated around the park.
Her breathing grew heavy and she tried to swallow the lump in her throat. It took all of her willpower not to give in to the sudden urge to burst into tears. She wasn't a crier -- but hearing those words spoken aloud made the lump grow larger in her throat, leaving a painful taste in her mouth.
She couldn't believe what she was hearing from him. She could be dreaming at the moment. Except that she knew she wasn't because of the cold winter breeze.
"Now you have to listen to me and trust me, alright? I'll protect you."
Hammie was stunned. What was he saying exactly? Why? And more importantly, what should she believe him about?
But Hammie took a deep breath to compose herself and nodded slowly. She wasn't sure what she was getting herself into. She certainly wasn't planning on letting him go either way.
Lucky gave her another smile before he reached forward, pulling her against himself. And it took her all her strength not to throw herself at him as soon as she found herself pressed against his broad chest. He hugged her tightly.
"Thank you," he whispered and Hammie closed her eyes at his words. "I promise I'll make you smile again..."
The words sounded foreign coming out of his mouth. They sounded almost like a promise to himself rather than to her. And yet...
She felt as if those words meant so much to him. As if they meant a lot to him, even more than they should. But that should mean that he truly cared for her, right? That there was no reason for her to doubt anything he said to her.
Even so... the truth was that she did wonder -- no, she knew -- that she could possibly fall for that.
Hammie opened her eyes and met his gaze. She saw sadness lingering in those depths, but also hope. She smiled softly at that, feeling relieved.
"Just learn how to trust me again. Or even more so, have faith in me. I'm not going to let you go again," Lucky said after a long while of silence between them as he stared in her eyes.
Hammie chuckled lightly, unable to hide the small smile tugging her lips. She couldn't help it, not when Lucky was so genuine, so warm. Even when she knew his true personality, she'd always liked that side of him. The side he showed to others, but that she knew very well.
"Promise?" she asked.
"Promise," he answered, holding her hand that he was still holding onto as if afraid he might lose her again.
And she swore that she would stay by his side for as long as possible.
No comments:
Post a Comment