It hurt too much.
She always thought that it would fade as time passed by that that person were not here by her side anymore. In her life. But she guessed she assumed too much about things.
Assumed that he loved her, as well.
Assumed that the relationship they had would last long.
Assumed that he would never leave her.
Assumed that he would never turn his back on her.
And now, she assumed that as time passed since he went away, the intense pain he left in her heart would disappear.
But that was where the issue truly lie -- she just assumed. And that was what hurt the most.
Sobrang daming pag-a-assume na kung minsan, gusto na niyang magalit sa mundo dahil sa dami ng pag-aakala niya na mangyayari ang isang bagay na hinihiling niya hanggang sa mga sandaling iyon.
"Oh come on! Wala ka na naman sa sarili mo. Hindi ka ba talaga titigil, ha?"
That voice snapped Yasha out of her daze and returned her mind to reality. Tama. Nawala sa utak niya na may kasama nga pala siya sa paglalakad na ginagawa niya ng mga sandaling iyon.
Wala siyang trabaho ng araw na iyon. So here she was, her friend Maia dragged her to go with her in order to unwind from all the stress they were having. Well, hindi nga lang niya matukoy kung magagawa nga ba niyang mag-unwind o napapaisip lang siya tungkol sa nakaraan.
Should Yasha blame it on the cold weather? To the couples scattered around the area and going all out in doing PDA (public display of affection)?
Pambihira. Pati ang mga nagpi-PDA sa paligid, nagawa pa niyang idamay.
Wait a minute. Yes, the man Yasha once loved had hurt her before. But it doesn't mean that she had to be this bitter whenever she would see things like that.
"Sorry..." Yasha could only say because of a lack of reasonable explanation to her actions.
Narinig niya ang malalim na buntong-hininga ni Maia bago ito nagsalita.
"Come on, Yasha. Bakit hindi ka man lang nagsasabi sa akin ng mga bagay na gumugulo sa 'yo? Alam kong kalalabas mo pa lang ng ospital and you're really trying your best to recover from what happened to you a year ago. But it doesn't mean that you have to bear it all to yourself, okay? In case you're not aware, masesermunan ka na talaga nang husto ng kapatid mo kapag nalaman niyang ganito ang nangyayari sa 'yo at kapag ipinagpatuloy mo pa ito."
Napangiti na lang si Yasha. Tama si Maia. Why didn't she just think of her brother whenever she wanted to distract herself from things that she would suddenly end up remembering just because she could see something romantic and sweet around her? Mas maganda pa nga siguro iyon.
Seriously... What kind of day was this? How was it that her bitter feelings would come out because of all this? Hindi dapat ganoon ang nangyayari sa kanya.
"Why don't you sit here and wait for me, okay? May bibilhin lang ako," Maia suggested after a few moments.
Yashs just found herself sitting on a bench that she didn't notice earlier. Wala na nga talaga siguro siya sa sarili niya.
"Pero--"
"I'll be the one to buy our snacks, okay? Just wait for me here."
And her companion soon left her after that. Just great.
Yasha heaved a heavy sigh not long after. It seemed that Maia really noticed, huh? Pero ano ba talaga ang magagawa niya? Those memories about that guy would suddenly flood her mind before she could even stop it. Kahit ano'ng pigil niya, raragasa at raragasa pa rin ang mga alaalang pilit niyang inaalis.
Memories of the guy who became her reason why until that day, she couldn't find her loving someone else.
Filial duty above everything else...
It appeared that he truly upheld that motto, making him decide to turn his back on her and leave her, even the dreams that they've built together ever since becoming a couple. His job towards the clan that he belonged to proved to be heavier than his own personal happiness.
Kaya heto siya ngayon.
Yasha had been thinking of so many things, so many reasons why she should forget him. But to her lack of luck, those thoughts only remained in her mind. She couldn't even do at least one of those things.
'Even though I'm someone who has the ability to kill anyone just to protect my clan, are you sure you're still willing to stay with me?'
It was Takeru's question to her before he said that he loved her. That she was one of his reasons why he wanted to do everything to return alive despite the dangerous path he took long before she met him.
Yasha had to admit, that question surprised her when she first heard it. Kinabahan din ng matindi para sa kanya dahil alam ko ang kaakibat na intensidad ng tanong niyang iyon sa akin. But she had already known for a long time about the clan that he belonged to, and even the dangerous job that Takeru decided to take.
But in spite of all that she discovered, she accepted him wholeheartedly. She loved him that much. And it seemed that until that moment, that feeling she had for him still remained in her heart.
Why was that? Bakit ganoon katindi ang nararamdaman niyang sakit at hirap na kasabay ng pag-ibig na minsan niyang inilaan kay Takeru?
Yasha realized too late that she had clenched her fist tight on the skirt she had been wearing. She could also feel her tears falling fast and continuously. Her heart felt as if something squeezed it tight that it was getting hard for her to breathe properly at the moment. She even thought that her tears that kept falling from her eyes weren't enough to show how hard it still was for her to do something just to turn her back from the past.
The past concerning the first man that Yasha had ever loved this much.
"Was it really a big sin for me to choose loving you, Takeru? Why did you have to do that? Nagsabi ka man lang sana, nagbigay ka man lang sana ng warning."
Siguro nga, para siyang tanga sa pagtatanong na ginawa niya. But even if she did ask that question to her so many times, she would never be able to find the answer until she would ask Takeru personally.
It only meant that learning the truth about that would remain hopeless. Kasalanan na nga siguro ang mahalin ang isang tulad ni Takeru Uehara.
Yasha soon guessed that she'd be left hanging, still hurting and remembering that certain past in which it would never do her anything good at all.
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